Smitten.. by Tobiah Jianke Faile

It has been four months of challenges and joys, and I have to admit that my heart has been smitten.   Toby has come so far in just a short amount of time and we are so proud of his accomplishments. I have come so far as well.   I will share his progress with you as well as some recent pictures, but before I do, I just want to share my story... from my heart... with you.

When I got married and started to think about having babies of my own, adoption was NOT on my radar screen.  I LOVED children so much.  I had numerous nephews and nieces at a young age, always offered to babysit , teach children's Sunday school and even became an elementary teacher.  I knew that children were going to have a huge part of my heart.  But with adoption.....  I just could not get past the idea of loving another child born from another mother in the same way that I would love my own flesh and blood.  Besides that,  not many people in my circles were adopting so I didn't even have the slightest idea of the great need or how it all worked.  I feel SO bad about that now. How could I NOT have known?  Why was this need not emphasized in the local church?  Why weren't there any sermons on Isaiah 1:17 where it says that we are to "defend the fatherless."?.... As the years went by,  David and I began a family... having babies, being a mommy to them and loving every minute of it.  I was so blessed to be able to have children.  I had miscarried my first pregnancy and it was an awful and traumatic experience.  I honestly did not think that I would be able to have children of my own after that situation, but through God's grace, he gave me my sweet Bethany and then my baby Luke... and years later...I got my little Sunshine baby..Cassidy.  I honestly thank God for my children everyday.  Being their Mom was my greatest joy!  .....

 Let me interject something here that is important for me to say.... David and I decided from the beginning that our relationship would be top priority... (we would be the main part of our family) and that our children would be welcomed additions to an already tight-knit bond.  We wanted to make our relationship as priority because SO many couples put their children in first place which strains the marriage.  In some cases this ends in divorce which devastates the family unit.  I am so thankful that I have my David.. He has been by my side through thick and thin.  I never thought I would ever get my dream guy.. but I did on July 29, 1989.  (:  We love being parents, but we love even more being husband and wife!

Ok now back to my story.....after having Cassidy, I looked at David and said "can we do this one more time?"  I didn't want to stop having babies..  There was still so much room in my heart for more.  He looked at me in a peculiar way because 1) I had just had a baby... nausea, weight gain,  labor... and I was asking for all of that AGAIN?  Was I crazy?  2)  I was in my mid 30's so I wasn't a spring chicken anymore.. But because my hubby saw my heart... he said "sure."   12 days later, my dream of having another biological child ended in a near death experience.  I had randomly started to hemorrhage and had to be rushed to the hospital.  They told me that if the bleeding did not stop, I would have to have surgery and lose my chance of having another child.  It was such a horrible day (August 20, 2003) and it will be etched in my mind forever.  I still get very anxious just talking about that experience.   I had lost SO much blood that the doctors and nurses did not understand how I was still alive.  My blood counts were unbelievably low.  I had many blood transfusions as well, but what went in , came right out.   Around mid to late afternoon, I started to feel like I was dying.  In a panic, I told my husband and Pastor that I was feeling very strange and starting to black out.   They immediately called my parents and I had to say Good bye to them and my husband because there was only a slim chance that I would make it through the surgery.  The last thing I remember was seeing my husbands face, my Pastor's wife face, my doctors face and then everything went black.  Hours later, I woke up and my husband said  "You made it, Mary Beth!"   It was a bittersweet moment because I knew that I was alive (Praise the Lord!) and that I had a new outlook on my life, but my womb was going to have to remain empty for the rest of my life.  I would never be able to feel the kicking of a baby inside or see the combination of David and me ever again.  I was so happy to still be a wife to David and a mother to my three sweeties!  Words can't describe how blessed I am.  That day changed my entire life.  I became a new person in many ways on that day.  I saw a new purpose unfolding for me that I would have never known if I didn't go through that horrible day.

 Since that time, I have been a chairperson for 2-3 blood drives that we have every year  at our church. Gallons and gallons of blood have been donated to save others lives just like blood donors saved mine in Florida.  I will always want blood donation to be a top priority!  I would not be here today without it!

 Well as the years went by, I struggled in many ways.  Physically, I just didn't feel right.  I had missing parts.. I was way too young to have symptoms that I was experiencing.   Emotionally, I was a wreck.  I loved my three children so much and I just wondered why I had such an emptiness in my soul for another child.  It ate at me everyday.  I didn't like to see pregnant bellies , and when I got to hold someone else' baby, my heart melted and I cried in such deep grief.  I went on for years like this... (10 years)   During that time, David had mentioned adoption to me, but the same feelings that I had mentioned earlier surfaced in my mind.  I just could not imagine loving another child as my own.    About 4 years ago, I told a friend that if God dropped a little deaf boy in my lap , that I would take him, but I was not going to go looking for one.  I honestly was willing, but I just didn't even know how to process the grief that I was experiencing of not having another baby.  I was a wreck!  Well ,in November of 2012, I think God knew that Mary Beth Faile needed someone to fill that void.  He dropped this picture of a little deaf boy into my heart.

After a year of paperwork, fundraising, stress, and a huge adventure to China during Christmas, we finally met our little guy.  It has been 4 months since that day and we are forever blessed.  And you know the part in my story where I was grieving about the emptiness of not having another child?.. God took that away and gave me another chance to be a Mommy.  I am so thankful for that... this was a scar that kept opening up again and again.  I finally have accepted this and can look back and say that this was God's plan for our family.  Would I have ever considered adoption if I could have more children?  I don't know... probably not.  like I said earlier, it was not on my radar screen.

Well now I have a new feeling in my heart.  A little deaf boy with an unknown past living in a silent world has smitten my heart.  I see him blossoming everyday.  He communicates with me (in just 4 months) better than I could ever imagine.   He tells me what he wants and feels.  He tells stories and remembers things told to him just one time.  The crazy thing is that he does not know any English words, but knows the context of the signs in ASL so that we can understand him and translate his signing to English sentences.  That is why ASL is such a beautiful language for  the Deaf.  It is so visual and contains such powerful meaning.   Even though he is communicating with us, he still experiences thoughts of his past.  A few nights ago, he was having a nightmare and would not stop crying.  He was terrified and crying worse than he has ever cried.  He was still asleep as he was crying.  We held him for about 10 minutes and he finally woke up and said he was scared.  He did not tell me what he was dreaming about , but I can only imagine the thoughts that creep into his mind after all that he has been through.  The next day, Toby was sitting on my lap in the computer room and wanting to look at pictures.  We scrolled through several pictures of him in China.  He saw himself at his foster home and told me "Toby left there...mama where....Toby cry" ..... Then he proceeded to explain in ASL the entire story of when our family met him for the first time.    He got the entire thing PERFECT!  Then he said something that broke my heart.  He said "Toby..China... Toby Cry....I want Mama!"  (tears welling up)   He told us that he wanted a Mommy when he lived in China.  My heart broke but I instantly responded with " Now Toby  family here  America... Mama and Daddy stay with Toby"  The smile on his face was so big!  I am so happy that he is now able to communicate these feelings to us.  I can't imagine how all these feelings were bottled up inside him when he couldn't communicate.

Now I grieve over the many orphans that are still wanting their Mommy.  I look at all these pictures and stories of children searching for a home.  It breaks my heart to think about their loneliness.   I wonder if God wants us to get another child, but I just don't know if I could handle it.  I have been having a hard time with my joints and muscles since January.  I think it is because of the physical exhaustion of my body in caring for a 4 year old.  He wants me to hold him and cuddle with him  and of course I need and want to do that, but it hurts.  I have tendonitis and bersitus in my back, hip, knees and elbows... (I know I am falling apart)...  Plus the fundraising was so challenging and stressful, but I will say this........., IF someone handed me $20,000 and said go adopt a little Deaf girl, I think I would .  We are just waiting for God to speak again, but for now I think He is telling me to just make people aware of the great need for adoption.  I want other people to realize that our responsibility is to care for the orphan...period!  All of us may not be able to adopt, but we all need to care for them.  Alot of people could adopt, but it is not on their radar screen.  SO I told my story today to ask that you pray about how you can care for the orphan...through ADOPTION, FOSTER CARE, HELPING IN AN ORPHANAGE, SUPPORTING OTHER ADOPTIVE FAMILIES,  SUPPORTING ORGANIZATIONS THAT CAN GET THE WORD OUT.. Or even taking a child for one month with Project 143.. ..http://www.projectonefortythree.org/host/photo-listing-registration/ 

 Please consider what you can do to help these little ones find families so that they will never be lonely again.  Do it while you are younger too so that you will have more strength to handle it physically.  I wish I would have done this sooner!

Since our last blog, Jianke Zheng is now Tobiah Jianke Faile!  We completed the Re-adoption paperwork and had his name changed AND his birthday changed.  We were told that if we had proof from medical professionals that we would be able to change his birthday since it was predicted in China.  We were able to give Toby an extra year... His birthday is  now November 8, 2009 (not 2008)   He is 4 1/2 instead of 5 1/2.   We felt this was a great decision for him so he would be in age appropriate classes at school and church.  Plus he is very tiny and this helps him fit in with children his size.



Our family was able to take a trip to Georgia to meet David's side of the family.  Toby really enjoyed meeting everyone and gave everyone a sign name... He remembered them all... He was so precious there and we were so glad that the family got to meet him and love on him.

Mamaw and Papaw Faile (David's parents)

Uncle Steve, (David's brother) Aunt Betty, Connor

Aunt Terri (David's sister)  and Uncle Buddy

Uncle Tim (David's brother) and Aunt Amber, Jesse, Abbi, Jacob, Phoebe, Joseph, and Naomi

Toby's first visit to MOES!

It is such a blessing to have family that live nearby.  Toby gets to see his cousins here in Ohio often.  He loves being with family and is affectionate with them all.

Wojnarowski Cousins!  Gabe, Tabitha, Abby and Melody

Uncle Tom  (Mary Beth's brother) and Aunt Joy and family

His behavior has really improved.   On Easter Sunday, we did not have Sunday School for the children so they had to sit in church.  We came prepared with snacks, an IPAD and 3 siblings to help him during the service so I could interpret for our other Deaf friends.  Can I tell you that Toby signed during the songs and sat (playing the IPAD) quiet during the entire service until the last 5 minutes???  PROGRESS!!!!  Then after that we had another service where his Daddy preached.  Toby also sat through that one as well.  I was shocked and so happy!  He still runs a lot and even got lost in church a few days before, but he is making progress.   He really loves playing outside and had a blast painting Easter eggs and hunting for the eggs as well.  

Toby LOVED watching my dad cook Kielbasi and Sauerkraut ..

When Chinese meets Polish ....

Dying eggs...

Yes, my older kids still get baskets and they still have to hunt for them.. haha

More Wojnarowski cousins... Samuel, Tristina, Tessa and Tarah

Cousin Michael

Only a portion of my parent's (Namma and Poppy)  grandchildren... Zach, Tiffany, Tarah, Taylor, Tessa, Tristina, Michael ,Bethany, Luke, Cassidy, Toby and Samuel

Toby's first Easter!

As far as school, he is doing well.  His teachers adore him and he is making progress.  He goes to preschool 4 days a week and seems to really like it.  Yesterday, we were making letters with play dough and he knew all of them except for 5.  He is doing great and I think another year of preschool after this year, will really help him succeed in Kindergarten in 2015.  I can't wait for the day when he will start to read.  This will open up his world in a whole new way!

Toby loves to play games on the computer.. especially ABCMouse.com.

We are so blessed and excited for his future.  Please keep praying for us.  This has not been easy.  He is a handful at times and it wears on us physically (especially me), but we are grateful to be his parents.  God bless you all and pray about how you can bless orphans.  Put it on your radar screen ..you will be glad you did!  It is pure religion!

Three months later.......

Yes, we have survived another month of transition.  I can say that things are getting a bit better, but still not where we would like them to be.   But we are going to focus on the positive!   Here are some highlights from the past month:

• Toby has shown a lot of signs of transition in that he feels comfortable with our life.  He gets around the house with ease knowing his boundaries and knowing what is expected of him.   We still need to bring things down to his level in regards to organization (step stools, lower hooks, etc..)  but overall he is adjusting to the way we do things here at the Faile home.  Last month was a month of breaking things, but he has improved in that area... thank goodness!
•  He is also showing a lot of progress with church.   We have an awesome team of volunteers who assist with Toby so I can still interpret the Sunday morning services and work with David at the Meet and Greet.   On Sunday morning, Toby goes to "Kids Worship" and Sunday School where friends give him one on one attention interpreting and helping.  I am so thankful for everyone that is a part of "Team Toby."   On Sunday nights, I join Toby in Preschool Praise.  He really enjoys dancing and signing to the songs.  On Wednesdays, we do an adapted Awana with Toby.  He gets a 30 minute lesson with a special group of students and he really enjoys it!  I am so thankful for the progress being made at church.
• Toby started Preschool on March 10.  So far he is doing a great job.  It is a class designed to have Deaf children in it as well as other children that may or may not have special needs.  We were so impressed on the first day when many teachers/interpreters greeted Toby in ASL.  He really liked that too!  Today was his first day to ride the big yellow school bus and he LOVED it!  Buses are his favorite thing to play with at home and to look for when we are driving around town. Now he gets to actually ride one.  He doesn't quite love books yet, but loves the story that has to be expressively told to him.  He is still learning the letters of the alphabet, but it has been a slow process.  He would much rather learn the sign for something instead of a letter.  ...in time that will change!
• We are still continuing to go to various doctors and have testing done.  He had another hearing test and had his hearing aids repaired (although they broke again the next day).    He can pick up VERY loud noises when wearing the aids, but he cannot tell me what the sound is.  Toby will be having more tests done on the cause of his deafness, possible growth issues, lead in his bloodstream and digestive issues as well.  Please continue to pray that we get everything straightened out with our little guy.
• He is an absolute sponge and has such an intelligent mind.  This has really helped him adjust quickly to all the changes that have happened to him in the past 3 months.  It is so hard to believe that we have only had him for such a short time and he has come SO far.  We have taught him the gospel with a little object called the Evangicube...  He loves to see the gospel message shown with this cube and he can tell the story of the gospel so clearly with his signs.  This brings tears to my eyes...especially when he knows who Jesus is. It all started when he saw a cross and wondered what it was.  He was so fascinated as we vividly explained the Easter story to him.  I can't wait for Easter this year so he can celebrate what he has learned.
• Thanks for your continued prayers this month.  I had to take a break with my "Signing with Toby" videos because my time is so limited to get things done around my house.   They will continue when I can finish up our taxes and paperwork to re-adopt Toby here in the US.    That means a name change for birth certificate, social security cards, etc...  Please keep on praying that Toby's obedience improves.. We are seeing glimmers of hope in this area.  (:
• Here are some pictures that we took from the last month.   Enjoy!

Taken in 2013 while we were early into the adoption process....

 In 2014,We finally got our boy home!

Toby LOVES to help out in the kitchen!

Lookout girls... this boy LOVES to do chores.. He is so helpful!

Even vacuuming..

So sweet!

and mopping too!

Toby's first day of  Preschool here in America!  He did a great job!

Horace Mann Preschool

His first American teacher (besides his Mommy (: )

Toby could not wait to ride a bus.  His dream came true today!

 The bus driver and assistant said that he did a great job on the bus today!  Yeah Toby!

David and I were able to get away for two nights in Cincinnati.  We went to the Weekend to Remember Conference.. It is marriage conference.  Since we will be celebrating 25 years together in July, we thought this would be a great refresher for us.  Little did we know that it would be life changing and get us back on track.  Adoption as wonderful  as it is, brings a lot of stress in the home.  It also was putting a wedge in our relationship.  We really needed this time alone to talk and get back to the basics. (BTW, Toby did great staying with some precious friends while we were away.  We are blessed that there are no attachment issues with Toby and that he quickly adapts to new situations.   He knows we love him and that we will ALWAYS be there for him even if we have to go away for a few days.)    While we were in Cincinnati, we stopped at the grilled cheese restaurant featured on Shark Tank, Tom and Chee's . It really was delish, but the company was even better!   

My 17 minutes are gone......but one day, I will get them back.

Recently I heard a statistic on the KLove radio program.  It said that an average mom only gets about 17 minutes a day to do things for herself after she has taken care of the family.  I can certainly believe that stat especially for moms with a lot of little children.  Before we got Toby, I can honestly say that my "17 minutes" actually grew to hours and it was still not enough at times.   Today marks our two month anniversary of becoming parents to the cutest boy in the world.  Guess what?  My 17 minutes are gone..... and as hard as it is , I know that I am making an investment into a precious child and its going to be ok.  One day, I will have that time back.  I will admit..I do get frustrated and this stage in our lives is SO challenging.  It is hard... harder than I could have ever imagined, but is is worth it?  Yes... after I get frustrated, I can't help but stare into the eyes of my boy and thank God for blessing me with this incredible opportunity to love this boy for the rest of his life.  I can honestly say that I love him as my own, and for me to say that is a big deal.

I am a very transparent person that shares the good and bad, and I will tell you that the past 2 months have been a challenge for my family.  However, let me focus on the good.  Toby is the most adorable child.  His  personality and charm bring me smiles everyday.  His facial expressions are so unique and hilarious.  He absolutely has shocked me by his ability to learn/memorize SO many ASL signs.  From knowing nothing to knowing more than someone who has been in ASL classes for a year  is truly a miracle...!  ASL is now his first language and it has come SO natural to him.  I absolutely understand everything he is trying to tell me and there has been no frustration because of a lack of communication.  Praise the Lord!  He is a sponge that remembers things that I have only shown him one time.  I am so proud of his accomplishments in this.

 He also has a compassionate heart and a helpful spirit.  When I am doing chores, he wants to help me.  He loves to do laundry, mop the floors, dishes, cooking, dusting, sweeping, shopping and the list goes on... I love this about him.   He is so caring for others.  One time, I was doing a work out video and I was showing a painful look on my face because it really did hurt.  (:  He came up to me and asked if I was sick.. told me to stop the video and gave me a big hug.  He just has such a heart for those that are not doing well.  What a wonderful quality to have.  

His favorite Bible stories so far are Daniel and the lions den and Noah's Ark.  It is precious to see him act out the stories with signs and expressions.  He loves seeing stories. (:

Our family thinks the world of him and we love him more and more everyday.  We are so blessed to be able to bring him into our home and give him the gift of FAMILY.  When I am teaching at Wright State and have to be away from him for a few hours, I can't wait to get home and be with him.  When I look at his face, I just want to kiss it all day long.  When I look into his eyes, it brings me such joy and satisfaction.  He is my little boy that was a gift straight from God himself.  I am SO blessed!

Toby is having some behavior issues that are common  for a boy his age, but I think it is accentuated  because of the factors that are in his background... He is a preschooler...He has lived half of his life in orphanages/foster care and he is deaf.  I take all of that into consideration as I am running after him in a public setting.  He has such a hard time staying with us as we are walking, but he is better than he was..(PTL).  He has a hard time obeying first time..second time..third time..etc..  Some days he just doesn't want to obey and he doesn't.  That is when it gets hard!  Please pray for us as we consistently show him discipline with love.  Yes, it hard on us mentally, but lately it has harder on me physically.  I guess my body is not used to moving so much.  My knee is swelled and hurting.  I have "Tennis Elbow" that kills my arm.  My neck and back are all achey.  It has just worn me out.    I have been picking him up because he wants hugs (I can't deny him of that) and because I don't want him to run away.  It is very taxing on me so please pray that we can nail down the "darting" thing ASAP!

Since last month we have had doctor appointments, blood tests, stool samples (that was a fun one), hearing tests, preschool evaluations and even a photo shoot at JCPenney.  We have been very busy getting everything done so we can have a complete picture of our Toby.  I am sure that our third month together will bring even more adventure to this transition process.   At the audiologist, we confirmed that he is profoundly Deaf and it is a sensorineural (either the auditory nerve or hearing organ is damaged)  hearing loss that is bilateral (both ears).  He will never be able to hear distinct sounds that he will recognize.  Now we are doing another hearing test with his hearing aids to see if the aids will give him assistance with hearing loud noises.  That is on March 6.

Overall, things are going as well as they could.  Our boy loves us and we love him.  He is attached to our entire family and wants to be with us.  He is very affectionate and caring.  He is loving American culture and interacts positively with others unless he is distracted.   He behaves ALOT better at home than in public.   He still has a hard time going to bed, but that is improving.  I also want to thank my family for hanging in there during this huge change.  All of us have had to pick up the pace in helping with Toby.  His favorite time of the day is saying  prayers and he only wants to do it when all of us are with him.  It is a special time for sure!

My main prayer requests:

*Decisions about preschool
*Behavior in public improves  (specifically him staying with me instead of darting)
*My physical issues mentioned above
*Continued patience and strength to show loving discipline
* Smooth bedtime transition


Thank you for your support and continued prayers...  Below are some pictures taken during this month.  Also, if you have not see the weekly signing videos, you can learn how to sign some basic ASL signs if you check out my facebook page.  Each week, Luke and I make a video to teach you signs that you can use if you want to talk to Toby.  Thanks!  God bless you all!

My teenagers are wonderful helpers!

Toby at his class at church.  Thank you Miss Janet for being such a great teacher!

Toby is waiting for Cassidy to come off of the bus.  He loves to see the big yellow bus come down the street.

A visit to Cleveland to see Namma and Poppy.   He  bonded quickly with them!

Toby got a surprise package from our friend Scott.  He was SO excited!

It was Chinese New Year on January 31st.  We had a good time celebrating.

Time out on Chinese New Year....Oh well!

Oh yes.... Toby's first time to have Dewey's Pizza.  One day he will love it like we do.

Celebrating Luke's 17th birthday with our special friends that are more like family!

Toby's "big brother", Yuyang, from China.

Toby's hearing test.

Valentines Date with my sweetheart!